MN Heart OR

angry. maybe a little past angry into furious but at the same time just sort of nothing.
maybe its just processing. despite having processed many times before. but i'm not a very patient person especially when it comes to myself and my emotions. i'm working on that. i've worked on a lot of things and i've done a pretty damn good job at it. but letting go is one of the tricker ones - especially letting go of anger, but more trickier than that is the ability to give myself enough credit. which i don't think i've done enough of. this thing that i've went through has had its many challenges. just trying to get out of it - get it out of my life has been an uphill battle. believe me, i know it could be worse. but it is what it is and its happening to me and so i deal with it, the way i do. i have a journal. i write in it - a lot about a lot of things. but there is something about this situation that is somehow maybe more than me? to me its not private. there have been times i've wanted to scream it out loud. to let everyone know how i've been screwed over. maybe to be validated, maybe to release it, maybe to warn someone else, maybe to remind people that there really are people out there that would do this kind of thing to someone else. or maybe its revenge. maybe i want everyone to know what an ---hole he really is. just in case there is anyone else left out there than thinks that he might be a decent human being. mostly i want to be the kind of person to rise above it and not have to vent about it but i'm not that person yet - maybe i never will be and that's ok.

once it was over it took me 4 days to get over it. but then he kept coming back and inserting himself into my life in ways i did not ask for. all those times were really annoying but all it did was remind me of how lucky i am to be out of it and to have the life i do now and the friends and family i have around me. but then came this big event. its not the end of the world, it's just money. it's just $17,000 dollars. $17,000 spent on target, liquor, fast food restaurants $14,000 balance transfer and something called girl talk and spoon (how classy). not only did i have to face the reality that i might have to pay his debt while he files bankruptcy despite claiming to make over $150,000 last year, i had to put up with him harassing me over email and text messages about how i deserve this and how i better keep my mouth shut and behave. so i went to the courthouse and filed for a harassment restraining order. they warned me that these aren't just given out to anyone and that the judge has to see substantial proof. i was awarded the order 2 days later. my therapist says he's a sociopath and that i should have a glass of wine every night thanking the universe that i don't have have him in my life anymore. and i do sometimes, but almost all of the time i don't even think about him. its just when things like this happen the anger surfaces.

its a loophole that allowed him to f*** me over. since he is employed by himself he can tell the judge that he doesn't see how there will be any income in the next year and he can file chapter 13 and list me as a creditor so that i can't sue him to try to get any of this money back. he had over $100k in debt, i guess there are a lot of other people getting screwed too. but i didn't borrow him that money and i didn't benefit from it. in fact i never received a statement or a phone call until they wanted to collect from me. all that money that he charged on that card was during the last 2 years that we've been broken up. and since he no longer has any debt he can afford to keep his house. which irritates me b/c there was some pleasure in imagining him having to live in some shitty apartment in the ghetto.

expensive life lesson. possibly worth every penny if this is truly the last thing i ever have to deal with in the name of c. corcoran.

i've thought of many acts of revenge. but that's not me. i've already gotten my revenge.
but if you want to seek it on your own - you can find him on the 4500 block of park avenue.